Returning to Work After a Death in the Family
For Canadians returning to work after bereavement, the transition is more than the date on the calendar. Practical guidance on timing, communication, workload, and managing ongoing grief while working.
When to return
Standard bereavement leave ends after 3-7 days typically (varies by jurisdiction and employer).
Some people return earlier:
- Work as distraction or normalcy
- Financial necessity
- Sense of obligation to colleagues or projects
- Roles where coverage is difficult
Some people need more time:
- Particularly intense grief
- Complicated logistics (out-of-town family, estate matters)
- Specific religious mourning periods (Jewish shiva 7 days, Hindu 13 days, Muslim Iddah specific periods)
- Need for psychological recovery before functioning at work
Options for additional time:
- Vacation time
- Additional unpaid leave (varies by jurisdiction)
- Sick leave if grief is affecting health
- Compassionate care leave (for caring for dying family member before death)
- Personal/family responsibility leave (where available)
Before returning — preparation
Notify manager:
- Email or call 1-2 days before return
- Confirm return date
- Discuss what's pending and what's been covered
- Discuss any accommodations needed
- Discuss what manager has communicated to team
Communicate with team:
- Decide what to share (full openness, brief acknowledgment, or privacy)
- Email to close colleagues if you want them to know
- Manager can communicate to broader team as you direct
- No obligation to share specifics or cause of death
Practical preparation:
- Catch up on essential email/messages
- Review pending projects
- Identify support people at work
- Prepare for the first day's commute and arrival
First days back
Expectations:
- It will feel strange
- Emotions may surface unexpectedly
- Colleagues will ask how you are (some will know what to say; many will be awkward)
- You may have less concentration and energy than usual
- Routine will gradually return
Pacing yourself:
- Take breaks when needed
- Step out for a moment when emotions surface
- Eat regularly (grief affects appetite; low blood sugar amplifies emotion)
- Hydrate
- Limit alcohol (can worsen grief and sleep)
Asking for what you need:
- Specific accommodations help (lighter workload, fewer meetings, flexibility)
- Most managers are willing to accommodate
- Asking is the only way to get accommodations
What to tell colleagues
Decisions:
- Share openly (acknowledges loss, supports authentic interaction; some find this helpful)
- Acknowledge briefly (just enough that they know not to ask why you were away)
- Maintain privacy (your choice; not everyone needs to know)
You don't owe details:
- No need to share cause of death
- No need to share family details
- Personal information is yours to share or not
Common ways colleagues react:
- "I heard about your [father, mother, etc.]. I'm so sorry." (Most common; usually well-meant.)
- Awkward silence (they don't know what to say)
- Avoiding the topic (not knowing how to bring it up)
- Sharing their own losses (sometimes helpful; sometimes overwhelming)
- Offering specific help (welcome if you want it)
You can respond:
- "Thank you. It's been a hard couple of weeks."
- "Thanks for understanding."
- Brief acknowledgment without elaboration
- Specific accept of help if offered ("Could you cover that meeting Wednesday?")
Workload accommodations
Most employers will accommodate reasonable requests for:
- Flexible hours initially: Start later or end earlier; allow for grief emotional needs
- Remote work some days: Reduces commute strain; allows for emotional moments
- Lighter workload temporarily: Fewer projects; less urgency
- Reduced meeting load: Reschedule non-essential meetings; skip optional ones
- Specific role accommodation: Coverage for emotionally demanding tasks (e.g., client-facing roles)
- Private space: A place to step away when emotions surface
Document if formal: If accommodations need to extend (months not weeks), document with HR. May qualify as disability accommodation under provincial human rights legislation.
Ongoing grief while working
Common patterns:
Weeks 1-4 back: Acute grief continues. Concentration affected. Crying spells possible. Energy low. Most colleagues are supportive.
Weeks 4-12: Often the hardest period. Community support has faded. You're 'back to normal' externally but still grieving internally. Delayed grief responses common. This is when many people benefit from grief counseling.
Months 3-6: Functioning improves but anniversaries, holidays, triggers cause waves. Some bad days alongside generally improving function.
Months 6-12: Most people functioning relatively well at work. Ongoing periodic grief but less interfering.
Year 1+: First anniversary is significant. Some long-term changes (less tolerance for trivia; clearer priorities; changed relationships). Most people are functioning normally.
When to seek additional support
Signs that professional support may help:
- Persistent intense grief 3+ months post-death affecting daily functioning
- Inability to concentrate or perform routine work
- Persistent sleep disturbance
- Persistent depression or anxiety
- Suicidal thoughts
- Substance use increasing
- Significant social withdrawal
Resources:
- Family doctor (initial assessment, referral)
- EAP (often 3-8 free sessions through employer)
- Specialized grief counsellor
- Community grief support groups
- See grief counselling Canada
Specific challenges
High-stakes roles (medical, legal, finance, etc.): Concentration issues can have real consequences. Open communication with manager; consider lighter rotation initially; extra peer review of important decisions.
Customer-facing roles: Emotional regulation in front of customers is demanding. Discuss accommodation with manager; behind-the-scenes work initially; specific coverage for difficult interactions.
Leadership roles: Modeling for team; expectations of always being on. Permission to step back briefly is helpful; transparent communication with team often works.
Working alone (consultants, solopreneurs): No coverage; financial pressure to be productive. Particularly important to seek support and pace recovery.
Building back
Most people fully return to normal work function over months. The trajectory is generally upward, with setbacks. Patience with yourself, support from family and friends, and professional help if needed all contribute. Don't expect linear recovery.
What we focus on at It's Simple Will
We help families be prepared so the practical aftermath of a death doesn't add administrative burden during the period of grief and return to work. The Life Discovery Kit (post-payment) gives executors a clear roadmap.
Related guides
Citations & sources
- [1]Canadian Mental Health Association — Grief — Canadian Mental Health Association
- [2]Hospice Toronto — Hospice Toronto
Frequently asked questions
When should I return to work?
Most people return when bereavement leave ends (typically 3-7 days after the death). Some people return earlier (work as distraction; financial necessity); some need more time. There's no right answer. If standard bereavement leave feels insufficient, options include using vacation, additional unpaid leave, or sick leave (for grief-related health impact).
What should I tell my colleagues?
Your call. Some people share openly (acknowledging the loss helps colleagues understand and supports authentic interaction); others prefer privacy. Email to manager and close colleagues before returning helps set expectations. Manager can communicate to broader team as you direct. Don't feel obligated to share specifics or cause of death.
How long until I feel 'normal'?
Grief doesn't have a timeline. Most people experience continuing grief affecting daily functioning for months — concentration, energy, emotional regulation. Many functions return gradually over 3-12 months. Some aspects (anniversary triggers, holidays) recur indefinitely. Specialized grief support helps if grief is significantly interfering with functioning.
Can I ask for accommodations?
Yes — most employers will accommodate reasonable requests. Common accommodations — flexible hours initially; option to work from home some days; lighter or different workload temporarily; reduced meeting load; private space for emotional moments; later/earlier start times to avoid commute crunch. Discuss with manager and HR.
What about delayed grief?
Common. Grief often peaks weeks 4-12 after death, not immediately. By that time, community support has faded and you're back at work. Watch for — sudden waves of emotion; difficulty concentrating; irritability; sleep disturbance; physical symptoms. EAP or community grief support helpful at this stage.
What if my work performance is affected?
Most managers understand that bereavement affects performance. Honest communication helps — let manager know you're still struggling if relevant, request accommodation if helpful, use EAP if available. Specific concerns (deadlines, important projects) can often be addressed with adjustments. Document if formal accommodation is needed.